Anger can seriously damage our relationships, our sense of self, and even our belongings. This article is for those struggling with anger and looking for ways to gain control over those damaging reactions.
I used to have significant anger issues. I broke things, damaged walls, harmed relationships, and even hurt myself. On the outside, I put on a happy face, but deep down, I was holding back anger, fear, anxiety, low self-confidence, and unhappiness. This ultimately motivated me to become a therapist. I spent years seeking help with therapists, searching for solutions, and eventually, I trained in the modalities that helped me the most. Now, I’ve become emotionally competent—anger no longer controls me—and I help many people, both online and in-person in Victoria, BC, to overcome anger and other emotional and mental blocks and challenges.
The Problem with “Letting Anger Out”
We’re often told to let anger out by punching pillows or engaging in some physical release. While this might feel good in the moment (though not always), it actually reinforces the habit of expressing anger through physical behaviour. This only perpetuates the cycle, as it doesn’t teach us how to process through the feeling of anger at all.
If you truly want to overcome anger, you need to understand how it operates, and how to process through strong emotions. Below, you’ll find a link to the third video in my self-help series, which will teach you how to be with your body feelings to process through them in healthy ways.
It’s completely free and requires no sign-up.
Understanding Anger: It’s More Than Just an Emotion
Anger isn’t a pure emotion. It’s triggered by thoughts of resisting our feelings, someone or something, focusing on what we dislike, experiencing perceived injustices, or feeling victimized. Often, we believe we need to use aggression to get what we want. These reactions stem from subconscious belief systems and perceptions shaped by past negative experiences, triggering anger in present situations that resemble those memories. We project these past experiences onto the present, leading to a reactive cycle of anger.
A pure emotion arises from a direct experience in the moment, something we feel through our bodily senses. When we assess what caused that feeling, we often see it wasn’t from opinion, but directly from the experience. However, when anger arises, something happens, and our opinions take over, assigning meaning to the situation. The resulting emotions stem from perceptions of resistance, unhappiness, injustice, or past interpretations of reality—often irrational or distorted by our minds—leading us to feel angry based on our negative view of what’s happening.
Breaking the Cycle: Processing Emotions, Not Suppressing Them
To overcome anger, we must first recognize the unhealthy patterns in how we express it through our actions and work to break that cycle. This begins by accepting, allowing, and fully experiencing our emotions when they arise, instead of pushing them down, judging them, or holding onto them. When we resist our feelings, they become repressed, only to resurface later when something triggers us again.
I encourage you to build a practice of sitting with your feelings so you can process them fully. Once you process them, there’s nothing left to push down, and nothing left to react from. While this takes time and practice, it leads to healthier expression of emotions and empowers us to choose mindful actions instead of unconscious reactions driven by habit.
The Long-Term Solution: Befriending Your Emotions
Trying to control anger—or any other emotions—will only push them down, leading to a buildup that can explode when triggered. The long-term solution to overcoming anger is to learn how to befriend your emotions. By practicing mindfulness and choosing how to respond to strong feelings, we stop being victims of these reactions. This requires time and commitment, but through mindfulness and clear intentions, we can become more comfortable with the sensations of our emotions, process them, and ultimately let them go.
We can’t let go of emotions we haven’t fully experienced. When we resist and judge them negatively, we create subconscious resistance, which blocks us from processing them and keeps the cycle going.
Next Steps: Dive Deeper into the Process
Below is a link to the Feeling section of my 6-week mindfulness self-help series. This will empower you with the understanding of how your emotions, like anger, can be processed healthily. If you find value in the video, remember to like it on YouTube. And if you’re ready to start from the beginning of the program, I encourage you to follow it through—This 6-week process will help you integrate lasting, healthy emotional expression and resilience into your subconscious mind.
Click Here to go to Section 3: Self-Help Therapy Series – Reconnecting with Your Emotions through Feeling:
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Arne Pedersen, Hypnotherapy Victoria
Mindfulness-Based Counseling & Hypnotherapy
Victoria, B.C.
Online and in-person therapy, specializing in support for managing and overcoming anger, anxiety, self-confidence, fears, negative thoughts, and more.
