Are you starting to realize that you’re a people pleaser? This often manifests as being overly nice and going out of your way to ensure that others like you. You might work extra hours or take on additional tasks—not out of genuine enthusiasm, but out of fear of rejection and a desire for acceptance. This tendency can lead you to measure your self-worth by how much value you are to others.
In relationships, do you hesitate to speak your mind? Do you avoid conflict to keep the peace? Do you keep quiet to not rock the boat? If you find yourself suppressing your true thoughts and feelings to fit in, you’re engaging in people pleasing.
This behaviour often stems from a belief that we are not good enough. Many of us may have lacked the attention we needed in some areas as children, adapting by striving to be “the good child” or “the responsible sibling.” This need for validation can lead to losing our voice and feeling disappointed when we realize our self-worth relies on external approval.
It’s essential to recognize that most people are focused on their own lives and challenges. If we depend on others to affirm our value, we set ourselves up for disappointment. If we are not clear on who we are and what we feel and need, then we are not expressing any boundaries for how we want to be treated, and others will set them for us to suit them, and our happiness will be dependant on how they see us fitting into their lives. To break free from this cycle, we need to learn to please ourselves and examine where our actions do not align with our true feelings.
My name is Arne Pedersen, and I am a mindfulness-based counselling hypnotherapist based in Victoria, BC. I work online and in-person specializing in helping individuals navigate low self-esteem, people pleasing, and feelings of unworthiness. While this discussion isn’t strictly about therapy, it’s about fostering awareness around people pleasing behaviours.
Helpful Tips to Overcome People Pleasing
• Recognize Your Triggers: Identify situations that lead you to people please. Are there specific people or circumstances that make you feel compelled to say yes when you want to say no?
• Practice Saying No: Start small by declining minor requests. This can help build your confidence to set boundaries in more significant situations.
• Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to sit with your emotions. Ask yourself what you truly feel in a situation rather than defaulting to what you think others want to hear.
• Cultivate Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness. Acknowledge that it’s okay to prioritize your needs and that you deserve to be heard.
• Seek Support: Talk to friends or a therapist about your struggles with people pleasing. Sharing your experiences can provide validation and help you find new perspectives.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Define what is acceptable for you. Communicate your limits with others to protect your emotional well-being.
• Focus on Your Values: Determine what matters most to you. Align your actions with your values rather than seeking external approval.
• Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nourish your mind and body. This can enhance your sense of self-worth independent of others’ opinions.
Take advantage of my 6 section self-help mindfulness series on my website. It is completely free of charge—no sign-up required. I encourage you to explore this material if you recognize traits of people pleasing, or any kinds of emotional or spiritual challenges in yourself. Reflect on your past and consider how early experiences may have shaped your need for validation:
Ultimately, the goal is to practice valuing yourself as you are, not as you are seen by others. Begin setting boundaries, expressing your true feelings, and taking actions that reflect your authentic self. Concealing our emotions can lead to unhappiness, anxiety, or depression.
Take a moment to consider: Am I a people pleaser? Do I fear rejection? Is my self-worth dependent on others’ perceptions or validation that I am good enough? It’s time to shift the focus back to yourself. Visit my self-help mindfulness series page for resources that can assist you on this journey.
I wish you a wonderful day as you cultivate a deeper sense of self-awareness and self-acceptance.
